Installment # 18

As I discuss in other contexts elsewhere, I have found that if you dwell on a thought long enough, you will eventually act upon it.  Most of us have the mental discipline to dismiss thoughts that we would not like to act upon, like robbing a bank or something.  As we get older, we just don’t dwell on sex much, until it is time to act. Also, speaking for myself and hopefully for others, I can really admire and appreciate the physical beauty of a woman without having a lustful thought at all.  That may be due, at least in part, to the fact that I associate sex with relationship.  That is, if I am not interested in being in a close personal relationship with the woman (and I’m not, except for my wife), then I am not interested in having a physical relationship with her, or spending any mental energy imagining what it would be like.

We have this modern term objectifying a person.  I try to relate to women in a kind, considerate, respectful and genuine manner, realizing that each woman is a human being just like me, and deserves to be treated the same way I want to be treated.  (I’m not trying to pat myself on the back for demonstrating basic human decency.  Most grown men think and behave similarly).  I try to pay compliments or in other ways encourage women to feel good about themselves without crossing a line where they start to wonder if I have any ulterior motives.  That gets easier as I get older.  The thought is less and less likely to cross a woman’s mind.  For the older women who may be looking for a relationship, I am always wearing my wedding ring and making positive comments about Sandy, so there is no misleading or misunderstanding or creating false hopes.

Evidently, women vary widely regarding their sex drive.  Sandy has always been a once-a-week person, with planning ahead, getting herself all gussied up, etc.  I used to kid her about being spontaneous (not!).  I understand that some women favor several times per week and are easily drawn in to the idea – spontaneous.  The old adage is that men are like microwave ovens, while women are more like crock pots.  I think there is a lot more variation than that.  In any case, I have had to adjust my expectations to be more compatible with Sandy’s ways (after some unsuccessful attempts to change her).  That may be another success principle in marriage:  In whatever context, if the other person cannot change, then you must. 

Another way to see it is that if I was just interested in having sex, I would not be too concerned with whether it was a good experience for the other person or not.  But if I want to make love, then the other person’s experience, and therefore the other person’s readiness, is vital.  When I was running and racing almost every week I shared with Sandy that one of the well-known training tips in terms of preparation for a weekend road race was “No sex after Wednesday,” because it weakens the legs.  I turned it around and said that I needed to start being nice to her on Thursday each week in order to get her in the right frame of mind by the weekend.

It may be equally important to mention a similar difference between having sex versus making love.  The latter is much more fulfilling.  I read somewhere that love-making releases what might be called bonding hormones.  The article indicated that it was more common in women or, to be more accurate, bonding hormones are created in men, but our testosterone levels may blunt or block their impact. In any case, mere sex does not create this bonding side benefit.  I can report that as far back as I can remember, our sex life has been very meaningful to me.  I suspect that my testosterone levels are not too strong in that area, or for whatever reason, our sex life has enhanced our bonds of love and commitment to each other.  So on the subject of keys to a long, happy marriage, I suggest that couples take a close look at their attitudes towards love-making and see if they are receiving the bonding affect that the marriage bed was apparently designed for.

Getting back to the idea of eventually acting upon a thought that you have been dwelling on, that is how I got into marathon running, which I talk about elsewhere.  But during marathon training I listened to stories about groups of runners ascending to the top of Mt. Umunhum, at 3,400 feet the highest point in the mountains that surround Almaden Valley.  The little germ of an idea started festering in the back of my mind.  Every time I ran in the Almaden Quick Silver Park and could see Mt. Umunhum high above, I thought about the fact that people were actually running up to that.  After awhile, the mountain seemed to be calling to me, maybe even taunting me and daring me.  Finally I showed up one weekend morning to run at least part way up with the group.  One of the guys (Bob Dalton, by name) told me where he had stashed a six pack of canned ice tea at the top of Hicks Road, which I was familiar with.  I thought I would make it that far and have a drink, if there was any left by the time I got to that point, and then maybe head back down.

Well, I was the last one up, but they waited for me and saved me a half can or so.  It wasn’t cold, but it tasted great.  This was in the early 1980s before electrolyte drinks.  All we did was carry water.  Anyway, Bob told me at that point that it was only another 40 minutes or so to the top, and this might be the best chance I ever had to join the club of all those who had ever run to the top of Mt. Umunhum.  How could I resist?  Well, it took over an hour of constant, steady, steep uphill jogging for liar Bob and the rest of us to get to the top.  It was actually cloudy, cold and windy up there, so we didn’t hang around in our soaking wet tank tops and celebrate our accomplishment for very long.  But Bob and some of the others pronounced me “Umanized!”

I thought the steep downhill return trip would be much easier, but found that “putting the brakes on” for what seemed like an eternity as we made our way back down was just as agonizing in a different way.  My legs felt like concrete for most of the following week, and my weekly mileage (important during marathon training) really suffered.  So it seemed like a good idea to make the trip the following weekend, as it would at least add a lot of miles and minutes to my totals for that week.  Those were the only two times I ran to the top of Mt. Umunhum.  It seems that there were pockets of pot growers or others who kept their primitive homes up there, and they started firing warning shots at hikers and cyclists…at least we hoped they were not really trying to hit people.  At any rate, that was all it took to diminish our enthusiasm for running up there.

The marathon is 26.2 miles.  Distances beyond that are referred to as “ultra marathons.”  Standard ultra marathon race distances are: 50 kilometers (about 31 miles); 50-milers, 100 kilometers (about 62 miles), and 100 milers.  Some small percentage of marathoners felt drawn to the challenge of the “ultras.”  Based on my experience with Mt. Umunhum, I was not one of them.  This is an example of when an idea tries to lodge itself in your mind and you refuse to dwell on it.  It eventually goes away or grows too weak to ever influence behavior.  In a different context, a speaker once said, “We cannot keep the birds from flying over our heads, but we can prevent them from nesting in our hair.”  After this long detour, let me get back to the point I was making about the sex drive in older men: By not dwelling on it, we keep our appetites at bay and only respond when the time is right.

One more thought on this combined subject: When I was about 60 years old I was running with a guy who was about 75 when we passed a lovely, fit young woman going the other way.  After she passed I commented that I wondered at what age men stop noticing attractive young women.  He said, “I will tell you what my 90 year old friend said when I asked him that question: ‘I’ll let you know when I get there.’”  So I feel quite normal and well-adjusted in admiring and appreciating the beauty of women.